Updated: Feb 15
This blog is the basis for a Podcast episode. It is written in a very conversational way compared to other blog posts. As such it reads more like a stream of consciousness than a carefully crafted, grammatically correct article. Enjoy anyway!
We are going to explore boundaries for a couple of episodes. The word that needs to be highlighted that statement is EXPLORE.
NOT, learn how to put up boundaries.
NOT, build a wall boundaries.
NOT, be wide open and a door mat.
MORE like look, observe, experiment, and explore.
For instance getting curious and engaging with questions that come up.
Do you have boundaries?
Do you honor boundaries? Whether they are yours or someone else’s?
Maybe we’ll look at what are the origins of your boundaries?
Then there’s the tried aspects of boundaries. Are they rigid? Are they too fluid? Are they healthy?
Then there’s, what happens to boundaries when you separate and divorce?! Talk about big sweeping changes when it comes to boundaries!
The brain has established certain boundary pathways during your relationship, then all of sudden, the boundaries need to change. So we will be exploring that.
First, a story.
I recall when I was kid, like seven or eight years old. As the two youngest and smallest, my brother and I had to share the way way back of the station wagon. We mostly got along but also had to establish clear boundaries with each other. It was, you stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine, then there won’t be a problem.
If we did cross the boundary line, it was either hit each other (so aggression) or call on Mom or Dad and get someone else to take care of our boundary issue.
That’s worth exploring isn’t it? Because as “adults” we need to take care of our own boundaries. (Let’s keep that on the back burner for diving into in a future episode, for sure!)
Time to Define
What is the definition of boundary?
Boundary = a line that marks the limits of an area (Oxford dictionary)
Property lines, structures (homes, apartments, parking spaces…THE SECTION IN THE WAY WAY BACK OF THE STATION WAGON)
So with my brother and I, he had his limit and I had mine - we gave each other limits. Sometimes there was a physical object to show the actual line.
Lately boundaries include remaining 6ft from each other.
Maybe that’s what has me contemplating Boundaries these days. What boundaries I do have…How do I know when my boundaries are being crossed/violated (that’s a strong word). Do I care when my boundaries are ignored? Is that just pure Ego, to care about boundaries, or should we all just be wide open in keeping with a construct that we are all connected anyway so why even have boundaries? (Now that worth exploring! And we will).
Personal boundaries = in psychology you would add the word “personal” to indicate that now you are referring to emotional, relational, intra and inter-personal (self and others) boundaries.
If you google ‘boundary or boundaries’ you will get a boat load of articles on boundaries…4 ways to establish boundaries, 10 healthy boundaries, etc…
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THESE BOUNDARY OPTIONS?
Like, how do you know when your boundaries have been crossed? Or when you’ve just run right through someone else’s boundaries?
I know my boundaries have been pushed or trespassed when I feel resentful, righteous, or angry. There might even be a sadness or a victim quality that shows up.
Why did they do that?
Don’t they know me?
I don’t really care why they did it!
It’s up to me to communicate what I need.
EGO - ‘hello…do they know me?’ Truly people will typically act on their own impulse and take action to fulfill on what they need or want. I do that! This is the boundary dance. H
Hey, let’s add to this exploration, how HURT I am/we are by other people’s boundaries. SO MUCH TO EXPLORE.
So I’m leaving you today with the exploration of:
An invitation to discover what your indicators are when a boundary has been pushed.
This is the tip of this iceberg! Wait till we throw in the somatic aspects of boundaries! Stay tuned I am whipping these episodes up quickly!